Toxic Love

 of late, I've been thinking about myself. Which is a statement that by itself doesnt sound too world changing. however, from the perspective of someone who's lived a life where pleasing others and meeting everyone else's expectations of what any sort of relationship with me looks like, I have done very little for myself.

During the last few years of my life I have been exposed to countless versions and definitions of toxicity. Every one seems to have an opinion on the matter. everyone has a some one or a group of someones who they deem "toxic" and somehow, we're are never short of these people in our lives. I begun thinking deeply about the criteria for toxicity. being a biochemistry student, discussions of toxicity from a scientific point of view are not hard to come by. it is part of the job description. I've gone from thoughts of who in my life is toxic, how do i get rid of them to am I toxic to others or to myself and can I get rid of myself?

Putting aside, the timelines filled with fake wokeness and seemingly wise advice where people are basically saying nothing, I landed on the philosophical self talk that everything could be toxic. this being irrespective of that particular thing being tangible or not. In the least human experiences are toxic, people are toxic, sunlight is toxic and eventually life itself . I arrived at the conclusion that the purpose of life, for all people in my opinion, is to love and love as much as we can and as many people and things as we possibly can. so then, if to live is to love and life is toxic then the love for life must be in itself, toxic too. so I begun thinking about where I was receiving toxic love from as well as where I was giving it. 

As all toxic environments end up - in destruction that's what the perception of my life in this light became as well. A sort of abyss. To think that if life- love is toxic then there is no escape that it will destroy me before I have mastered the dosages that wouldn't end my life. And there is nothing left to do in life than to discover things or work on what has already been discovered. We, as people, fall in one of these categories. In any given lifetime we can be both at some point or the other. or rather we choose which fields in our lives we will choose to be proactive and brave enough to discover things for ourselves. If my main focus, passion and purpose in life is to love then everything I love is my life. In an attempt to group the vastness that is life I contain it in this one word: Love and explore it as much as I can by means of observation and note taking. In hopes that what I find will not kill me before I get the chance to share my findings. Or in the least leave trails of evidence behind for the next explorer to follow and continue on from. 

I want to discuss the toxicities of life, the tumors. Things we might never be able to get rid of but if we could at least acknowledge that they exist, understanding might come later. Once we understand them, we might learn to manipulate situations in our lives, teach ourselves just how much of these poisons we can take in before we die. 

AND if we can stretch the philosophy far enough - learn how much is good enough to keep, good enough to actually make us better and not sick.